I’m loving this season in Kenya, though it is nothing like I thought it would be, and it is full of hard, but good lessons.  

I am learning that though seasons may not look anything like what we think they are going to, God knew exactly what it would look like and brought us into it with purpose.  This means that even in the tough things, the things you didn’t expect (or necessarily want), you can rejoice because He knows why He brought you and all He plans to accomplish in and through you.  

I am learning that to die to self is very painful, and that when you pray for it to happen, God will answer it, so you better be prepared for it!  To die to self means to see those nasty things that are still inside you (pride for one), and have Holy Spirit walk you through the pain of getting rid of them. It’s not fun but it truly is freeing! 

I am learning that I am enough because Jesus is enough, and though I see overwhelming need all around me, I don’t need to solve or fix everything.  The truth is, I can’t solve or fix anything and He’s not asking me to, He is simply asking me to love the one in front of me, and to do that well.  I can do that.  I was made to do that!  I just need to ask Him who the one is and He has proven that He will show me.

I am learning that I make my plans and He directs my steps, and that He is a consummate Master at getting me where He wants me to go, even when that place is not on my radar.  If I had not thought I was meant to stay in Zambia then I wouldn’t be here in Kenya, but He has shown me clearly that I am not meant to return to Zambia for an extended time period, at least not yet, but I know that I am meant to be here in Kenya!  

I am learning that He is faithful in every step, especially in the unknowing.  Right now I do not know what my life will look like from February next year, but I know He does, and I am learning that knowing the One that I walk with is enough.  As hard as this often is, being on a different continent and many miles from those I call family, faith needs to be walked if it is to grow, and each new step builds my confidence and faith for the next step.  

I am learning that seasons where we feel isolated and alone can be the times of greatest revelation.  I feel like I am currently on a fast track training course, with several strands all running concurrently, some days are great and others feel a little overwhelming.  There have been other seasons in my life that felt like this, but I was always surrounded by great fellowship, those who loved me, supported me, encouraged and championed me.  This season is different:

I’m in Kenya, many miles from fellowship, and this feels like a very isolated journey.  

I live on my own.  

I am usually the only white face I see wherever I go.   

I have no local church fellowship.  

I have spent every night for almost 2 months on my own. 

This is not a complaint, this is just how this season looks, and as hard as it is, it is good!

I am learning that when everything that we rely on instead of Jesus is stripped away, when all those relationships that we can run to first before Him are gone, then He comes through again and again.  

I am learning that in a season of isolation, revelation from the heart of the Father abounds.  He truly never leaves us or forsakes us, and sometimes He just wants us all to Himself for a while!

I am learning that He is the best counsellor and He is not afraid of tears or emotion, in fact, He brought me here to unpack some of them.

I am learning that in every season worship is our best defence and worship is our best offence.  It is in worship that I see the Victorious One, the One who is over every difficulty I see and every hard circumstance I face, and I get to see them all from His perspective.  There is nothing that throws Him or makes Him second guess His choices.  He knows the end from the beginning and He knows right where I am, everything I am facing, and what He is building in me for this season and the seasons to come.

I am being reminded again, that it is in the hard times of life, the trials that we face and the difficulties that we navigate, that we are made more like Jesus.  It is as we look to Him in these times, as we turn our attention to Him and ask Him to sustain and guide us, that He is able to change our perspective and smooth over our rough edges a little more.  As a result, my heart’s cry is, ‘More Jesus, take me where only You can sustain me, where I need You more than anything else.  I want to be just like You, Jesus, do whatever it takes to make  that happen.’  The great thing is, I know He will because His word says that He will complete the work He started in me.

Whatever you are facing today look to Jesus, He is the Author and Perfector of your faith and He will give you His perspective to see things the way He does, and His way truly is the best.  He is preparing you for all He has for you in this season and the next and He will finish the work He started in you.  Just keep trusting and worshipping Him because He is worthy of it all.

I hope you enjoyed reading this.  

Adventures with Jesus!

Happy heart!  Blessed indeed!

Jeccy is a social worker who ensures the well-being of the children whose families are working with On Eagle’s Wings (oewrescue.org)  A major reason behind why she works with the families in the Mukuru Kwa Njenga slum, is that she was raised in there and knows first hand the difficulties living in the slum brings.  This is her story.

I was brought up in Kwa Njenga by a single mother who had nothing, we were very poor.  Our house, which was one room, was made with wood, with some sides being made of sacks.  We didn’t have a proper door, we just had a piece of wood that you would have to pick up and move when you wanted to come in or go out.  It had no floor, no windows and the roof was full of holes, so the rain came in.  We were thankful at that time because we didn’t know any other home than that one. Actually, our house, when the rains came, it was full of water inside, so we put the table on the bed so we could cook with a stove. 

We had one bed, which someone had given to my mother, one stool and a few plates and we had a tin, which sometimes when it was raining we could use as a toilet. Then we would empty it in the drainage outside.  We didn’t have electricity, we didn’t have running water or washrooms.  We used to have flying toilets (this involved using a paper bag and then throwing it away when you were done).

Life was very difficult.  Even having a meal 3 times a day was difficult for me, my brother and my mother.  Because she was sickly she could not go looking for a job and there were times when people wouldn’t come through for us, because they also had their lives.  There was a time when we relied on neighbours who would bring us food to eat.  The other days that they didn’t come, we didn’t have food.  

I used to go and beg for food, and I remember there was a time when my mother was bedridden completely and she had to be taken to hospital, where she stayed for almost 1 ½ years.  So me and my brother were living in the house alone, in that shack.  I had to plead with the priest to make that house for us, because where we were living was not a good house at all.  When it was raining  we would feel like we were outside.  After school, I had to remove my uniform to go and look for food for my brother and I.  I did the laundry for him.  I got the food, cooked the food, everything I did. 

I collected water but it was only 2-3 metres away.  There was a company around us that had free water but it was salt water.  Later someone did something with it and then it no longer existed.

When I was growing up I didn’t know any fun because I am the responsible one, so what I am thinking is, do we have supper? Tomorrow what will we have?    

We were often unable to go to school because we had no school fees.  Someone came from the Catholic Church (where we did Sunday School) and she took us to school, me and my brother, because my mother at that time was sickly.  She was HIV+ but we did not know that.  It was a Catholic sister who took us to school and she took us through until grade 8.  After that she said she could no longer help because it had not been her plan to help us, but she thought it was best that she did when she was asked to help a little bit.  She did help and I am so grateful.

And sometimes before the Catholic sister came through we didn’t have school fees so we would be sent back home.  So me and my brother are at home, we are sad, no food, no school uniforms and we are just sitting there. 

It was very tough because I had to look for other means for my brother and I to go back to school, to high school.  I took myself to the church again and I talked to the priest.  He asked me why I was not in school when others are in school?  I told him my mother did not have money to send us to school and I had tried to get money but had not managed to.  He said he would look into it but promised nothing.

I didn’t hear anything, so I took myself back to the priest and told him, if you don’t help me I know my life will not be good, and I really want to go back to school, me and my brother.

The priest said he was really happy that I wanted to go to school and that I had gone back to see him, because it should have been my mother going to see him.  He was impressed.  He asked where my mother was, and I told him she was sick again.  He used to come and pray for her in her sick bed.  I asked him, if I don’t do this, who else will do it for me?  There were no family members or relatives of my mother who could help.

Fortunately the manager of a place called American Share (americanshare.com) passed by as I was talking to the priest.  Father pleaded with him and asked him to do him one favour.  The manager said he would do anything for him.  The priest said, ‘please send this beautiful girl to school for me.’  The manager asked if that was all, and the priest said yes.  So that is how I got my sponsorship to high school through American Share.  

I hadn’t got a high enough mark for what they were sending children to school with.  It was 300 and I only had 280.  The manager asked me, ‘what marks do you have?’  I told him and he said to go to his office on Monday.

I went home and told my mum, she was sick but she got up and sat down.  She said to me, God is doing something for you.  I said yes!  I was happy that I was going back to school, but what about my brother?  He had another year left in school and then he would not be able to go to high school.  My mother told me, I should not worry about him, because you have asked God for what you wanted and He has given it to you.  Focus on going back to school and leave your brother and God will deal with the issues.  This is not for you to do it for him.

I had stayed a whole year out of school, American Share came and took a case study on me, my family and our house.  

The day came for me to go back to school, which was boarding school, but I was still not contented because of the condition and the situation at home, with a sickly mother who I am leaving behind with no one to look after her.  My brother didn’t do much like I did.  I was like the mother, the responsible one in the house.

So I went back to school, and I thank God that He gave me courage to go back to school.  I studied for 2 years and then I went back, I still found my mother in her sick bed.  She had no one to look after her but she tried to make it look like she was okay, that she could do things, but I knew in the back of my mind that she was pretending because I was there.

I kept praying.  It kept coming back to my thinking, if my mother dies what will happen to me and my brother?

In the slums, the government do not do much.  Sometimes the NGOs come and say they need certain groups of people. One came for HIV patients, and my mother got into a group with other HIV+ patients, they were encouraging one another.  And she got out of her sick bed and was a bit better now because they gave her medication too.  

So she was trying to get odd jobs, like washing the plates.  And washing the plates in the slum, for the Muslims, is like 20 shillings (less than 15p or 20c).  Doing the laundry in the slum is not like doing in Imara or the other estates, you get 100 shillings (less than 70p or 90c).  But it was something and we were not paying any rent.  She would get what she could and then she would come back and buy food for us.  Then the food stuff was very cheap and that is how we survived.

So we grew up loving one another, encouraging one another and visiting one another, supporting one another when we could.  

Some people would ask you how can someone live in the slums, how can you survive there?  

This one friend, I took her to my home, she was close to me. I told her where I came from.  Because now I am out of the slum and I’m in a nice place, American Share took people to very nice schools.  There are these nice washrooms and running water. This was amazing to me.  I never knew that this existed and asked them how to use it.  My friends told me they had these in their homes and asked me where I came from.  I told them I was from the slums, but most times I was in school I didn’t speak much. I was not that friendly because I felt like I was from a different place from where they were from.  Their parents came in big cars and no one came to visit me, because my mother was sick.  So that gave me a lot of questions, am I really living in this place where other people are not seeing the problems  that we live with?  

Even though we were 10 of us (students supported by American Share from the slum in the school), we thought differently.  My friends said, we have this, we are together in the same school as them, so that encouraged me too.  This one friend told me, it doesn’t matter where we come from, all that matters is that we receive an education and God will bless us and we will get jobs and better our lives, and that of our parents.  

The ones we were schooling with were so kind, so loving.  I could go to school without anything, without sanitary pads but my friends will tell me, feel free, you can use whatever you want.  This one friend of mine used to carry two toothpaste, two pads, etc., because she had explained to her mother about me and so her mum bought extra for me.  So that is how I survived in school.  I thank God, she came through for me.  She told me not to worry, we can share everything together.

I was happy going back to school.  Being at home I was still thinking a lot.  At that time I wondered if there was any other child who is suffering like I am?  And why is it me?  There are other children and their parents are there, they are in good health, they are providing, why me?  So when I was at school it was different.

Every Christmas the Catholic sister would call all the children who were attending that Sunday school and there were people who were donating clothes and shoes.  So sister would come and I would be given a beautiful dress, my brother given trousers and a shirt.  The sister would buy biscuits and drinks and we would enjoy these with the other kids.  Yes, they were the only memories that I have that are happy.

Life in the slums is difficult, especially living in the slums.  You can imagine these kids who are going to school without electricity, in the evening, even doing their homework is difficult.  Even sometimes when we don’t have electricity we use oil lamps, sometimes you end up burning your house, everything goes and now you have to depend on other people to provide for you. And also, the toilets, there are no toilets in the slum, it’s very difficult.

But I have come to see, since I have grown, that we couldn’t see that we shouldn’t live in this condition, because we couldn’t come out to nice places, to the estates, we were just there.  So we encouraged each other.  The problem is we didn’t know that we could have a toilet, that was not in our minds, that we could have proper sanitation and everything.  We just found ourselves there in that slums.  

When I finished school there was a company starting at Mikato Safari  (part of American Share) and they called us and told us that they wanted us to help.  Instead of staying at home, we could help there and make reusable sanitary towels and they paid 150 shillings (about £1) a day.  So that would provide a meal a day, because my mum was still struggling.  I did that for almost 2 years. 

And then there was a job that came up for the census in Kenya.  One of my friends said to me, why can we not try this job, and we did try and I worked for 1 ½ months.  Mikato Safari allowed me to go and work and I got 24000 shillings (about 800 shillings or £5.30 a day).  That was my first salary and I was so happy.  Even when I was going back home I was scared that people would steal it from me. 

So with that 24000 shilling I built my mum’s house.  I bought iron sheets and I looked for workmen (2 of them) and built 4 rooms, they did a very good job, I was very happy.  

Mikato Safari saw how hard I was working, especially when I built a house for my mother, they were so impressed.  My social worker told me, your sponsor is very old, she has just retired and she lost her sight, so she just wants to do a one year thing.  So go and look for a college so you can study whatever you want.  I told her I had no idea what I wanted to do, because as I was growing up I had wanted to be a journalist, but because of the situation at home, and at school I am not concentrating because I’m waiting for someone to come and tell me that my mother has died.  That was my thoughts at that time and so I didn’t perform well. I told her, help me get something that I can do.  

But still I was in the community, and there were those who believed that I could speak for others, like the village elders.  There were some seminars that they used to call us to, like you have to be there to speak on behalf of the other youths, speak on behalf of the other children that have come from this slum, so that someone can bring something or provide something for us that would enhance our community or environment.  

So I used to go to those seminars and get paid.  And sometimes it’s an NGO that say this is what we want you to do, we will take you for a training of 3 months and then you go back to the community and teach them, train them. So I did that.  So the social worker knew I was doing this and she asked, why can’t you do social work? I said, yes, I have never thought about it, what about it?  She said it was just working in the community and I said yes, I love doing that, that is what I have been doing but I didn’t know it was social work.  She said she would find me someone to help me get a good school for just one year and they would pay my school fees.  That is how I went and got admission to South B and started school.  

My brother was still in school and there was no one to pay his school fees, and I am the one who is still going to ask people for money so that he can finish his high school.  But I thank God I finished.  

I got frustrated because when I finished my training I couldn’t get a job.  The only jobs I could get were 2-3 month jobs that were not very well paid, though it was something.  Then there was a time when there was none, you could go into the offices, look around and there was no one there to give you a job.  So I gave up.  

When I gave up I got involved with a boyfriend, this is how I got my first born.  That was when I thought, now my life has ended. No one is there.  I’ve lost everything.

But then another organisation came and they said they were looking for someone called Jecinta, does anyone know her and then they came to my mum’s house.  I told them I had already given birth to my son and I don’t think I can do anything.  They said, no, we are looking for people like you, we want you, those who have given birth at early age, we want to work with you.  So that we can tell other youths that it can work, even if life didn’t take you where you thought it would.  So that is how they gave me a job and they trained me also.  They trained me in financial literacy, life skills, entrepreneurship, and then later I started training other people.

After the 6 months, they told me you are good enough to work in an office. I told them I wasn’t ready because of my baby, he was still very small.  They said it’s okay, if you’re not ready for the office, you can continue to train different people in the slums, as your baby grows because we don’t want to separate you from your baby.

While I was doing that work another NGO also came and this one was similar to what we are doing at OEW. She was an African American, she said she was looking for someone who had worked in the community in the slums and who would help them get the children who were in commercial sex working, and I said yes, I can do that.  She asked me how I was going to do it and I said, give me 3 weeks, I will find some people to help me and we will work out how we can get you these kids. It was in a different slum, not Kwa Njenga.  

So she told me you are going to be working for 4 months, are you ready and are you okay?  I told them I would think about it and later Pastor Julius came and said, yes, you have to do this job.  Later, my mother told me, you can leave the baby with me, it is okay, just leave baby with me and go and do the job. That is how I ended up as a social worker there.

Then later after 2 years, things happened that meant I knew I shouldn’t be in that place and so I had to quit my job.  

Then Maggie came and we started this job (On Eagle’s Wings).  After Maggie came, I took myself back to school and did my diploma in social worker.

I love doing the work I’m doing because someone came through for me and I want to do the same.  There are people out there with good hearts and as they hold our hands, especially those living in the slums, they help make us better people.  For I can say, I was raised here and I did it, I am an example of that. 

I don’t live in the slum anymore.  With the first NGO job I looked for a better place for me and my son.  I found a single room outside of the slum that was paying 3500 shilling a month and I started my life from there.  Even the father was there, my husband, but  he did not have a good job but we tried to work things out.  Thankfully he got a job in the Defence Forces and then we moved!

For the first 9 months I was the provider in the house, because he didn’t have any job.  I was doing all the expenses in the house, like the rent, putting food on the table.  Later as we prayed, because we knew he would get a job, he had good credentials from school.  He had done engineering at college and I knew that one day he would get a job, but I didn’t know what.  

He went into the Defence Forces, life pushed us that way.  Someone came one day and said people are applying for a job with the defence force if he is ready or willing to.  I told him you have no choice, you just have to go and do it because I am the provider.  I can’t do this, when you are here and not doing anything.

So he had to apply and got a job.  So for 9 months he went for training without bringing any money.  He was not paid during his training.  I was doing the same things I had done, taking care of my baby, after the 9 months thats when he came back and took his role.

His family and my family thought he would come home with a lot of money.  I remember I sat him down and said people are thinking you have come with a lot of money and even they are asking me, when will you give out the money, and he told me he was not given any money. And even allowances during the training, he was given none.  I remember there was a time when I was sending him some money for his upkeep while he was in the training.  So he told me there was no money and that we had to explain that to the families.

We live on two salaries now but they are not enough.  We have to manage with it.  For him, he has his family, his mother and father are not well off.  I’m also looking after my mother in the slums, and though she doesn’t want to move I’m still the one taking care of her, like paying her bills, her food and all that.  The same for the upkeep of our children, sending one of them to school, and for us, our upkeep.

God made a big difference as I grew up.  When I was going to the Sunday school, I can say that knowing God, even though I didn’t know Him that much, I knew there was a God and I knew when I prayed to Him, He would help me.  I remember even when I was a little girl there was a time I knelt down, and I remembered the Sunday school teacher saying there is nothing God cannot hear, every question God will answer.  So I knelt down, at that time we were going through a lot of problems with my family, my mother.  I remember that I told God please God we need to change this life that we are living, at least better it for us, make it better so that we can also help.  You know that I relied on getting used clothes from other people, if they don’t give me, I go without clothes, food the same and even when you are at school you feel uncomfortable, you didn’t carry your lunch, someone has lunch there.  Concentration in the classes, you can’t concentrate.  But God came through, I can say that.  Even if I was praying, I didn’t pray the rosary, I just used to kneel down and tell God all my things, tell Him, please God, if you are there, please come through, please hear me out.  This life is too much, I need you and He came through!

I hope you have enjoyed and been encouraged by Jeccy’s story. I have kept as much in her own words as I could. I am blown away by the generous heart of this young lady, as she seeks to love well those children who are still living in the slums. It has been my privilege to serve alongside her.

Adventures with Jesus! Happy heart! Blessed indeed!

I’m very excited, because next week I will be heading for the next step in my adventure! I will be leaving Chikankata, Zambia and heading to Nairobi, Kenya. This will not just take me from one nation to another, but also from the bush to the city, a major change in itself.

8 days ago, I thought I would be staying in Zambia for at least the next 7 months. Then I discovered that I needed to leave the country to put my work permit application in. This came as a bit of a surprise to me, it was not a surprise to Papa, He had gone before me and prepared a way.

Within 2 days, I was connected with a lady in Nairobi who was looking for someone to work with and encourage her Kenyan team, while she went back to the States for 2 months. How good, how God! I needed am opportunity to serve and she needed someone to serve, both for 2-3 months. After our first chat I knew I was going to Nairobi. How’s that for divine orchestration!

The best part is that the project supports whole families to leave trafficking and prostitution. Those who know me, know that this is something that is very dear to my heart. I’m thankful that Papa not only goes before me and prepares a way, but He prepares a way that blesses my heart too!

So, to the reason for this blog. I leave Zambia, on a one way ticket for Nairobi, in a little over a week, and it has hit my heart hard to say goodbye. I may only have been in Chikankata for 7 weeks, but the family I have the privilege of serving with, and the people of Nankenya have got under my skin. I love them and that makes it hard to leave, especially when I cannot say when I will be back.

It appears that I may spend the rest of my life as an itinerant missionary! Papa seems to be preparing me to live a nomadic lifestyle, and be content with 3 months here, 6 months there, 9 months somewhere else. I can’t say this for certain but I have no plans after Kenya, at least, Papa hasn’t revealed them to me yet. It feels like He’s leading me this way though.

So that leads to a couple of questions…….

Will I continue to love wholeheartedly, even if I know, or suspect, that it is only for a short time?

Will I choose not to guard my heart to prevent pain, but be willing to joyfully walk the ups and downs, trusting that Papa has made me to walk this path?

Tough questions!

The answer has to be yes, that’s what Jesus did! So, as I consider my time in Kenya, however long that is, I commit to being fully present and fully loving. I commit to loving the one in front of me and the team around me. I commit to representing my King well and trust that, when He says it is time to leave, He will enable me to do it well, just like He is as I leave Zambia.

I’m realising we can never be truly alive, unless we wholly and unreservedly give ourselves to live in the moment, the present (let’s be honest, it’s all we’ve got, because the past is history and the future is a mystery) and, as well as being present, to truly love those who are placed around us, whether for a short time or a lifetime.

This is the lesson I am learning in this transition, and some moments I do it well, and others, I have to run back to Papa and say sorry. However, more and more, I’m learning to rejoice in the moment, even in the bittersweet!

Be blessed.

Can I see my dreams fulfilled by just sitting in the dirt and loving the one in front of me?

This is the question I have been pondering with Jesus. I feel like He has asked me if I would sit in the dirt at Nankenya for the rest of my life and be content with that.

I said yes, but then I got thinking. I got thinking about the big God dreams I have, and whether I could achieve them by sitting in the dirt in Nankenya.

WRONG THINKING!

It’s not my job to achieve my dreams. It’s simply my job to love God and follow where He leads. To emulate my big Brother Jesus in doing only what I see the Father doing. To trust that He knows what He is doing, and is far better at His job than I am at mine!

So, back to the question, am I content to sit in the dirt at Nankenya for the rest of my life?

Absolutely, if that is what God has planned as my part to play in the big dreams He has given me, then so be it.

I don’t get how sitting in a small farm compound in Southern Province, Zambia, sees this nation turned upside down and right side up for the Gospel. For that matter, I don’t know how doing it will change the continent of Africa into a nation of nations, or bring reconciliation between Ishmael and Isaac, bringing peace in the Middle East.

These are the dreams I believe God has given me. They are big I know, but not nearly as big as the God I serve.

So, how do I see these dreams fulfilled?

By sitting in the dirt at Nankenya and loving the one in front of me for as long as God asks it of me.

By trusting that, if this is my part, then I was created to do just this in the dreams He has given me, regardless of whether it makes sense to me or not.

So I will give up the right to understand and walk in His abundant peace. I will sit in the dirt in Nankenya loving the one in front of me. And I will do this with joy until He tells me otherwise or takes me home.

Be blessed.

So, I’m finally here in Africa, to be precise I am in Chikankata District in Zambia’s Southern Province. Yesterday was day 2 of this new adventure in my life, and if I’m being very honest, I felt a little overwhelmed.

As I sat yesterday morning reading Genesis 12, a scripture God gave me several times over the past few months to encourage me in this journey, I began to question what I’m doing here in Africa. Though I knew He had spoken to me through this scripture both personally and through others, instead of being encouraged, I felt flooded with questions and doubts.

Did I really hear from God or is this my doing?

Who am I to be here?

Do I really think God is going to lead me?

What if I’ve got it all wrong?

I then began to read Hebrews 11 about the heroes of faith, especially about Abraham and Sarah. As I did, I heard Jesus say, ‘Peace be still, I’ve got this Michelle.’ Instantly the questions and the doubts stopped because the One who spoke is faithful and I have history with Him, especially over recent months with this statement.

‘Peace be still, I’ve got this Michelle,’ are the words that Jesus used to help me walk the journey of trusting Him to be my Provider. Every time I would begin to doubt or fear whether He would provide for me in this journey, I would declare or He would remind me of these words. Then one day I know them to be true and that He has my provision in His hands.

So, yesterday morning as I doubted and questioned my being here in Africa, these words brought me faith and peace because of my history with Jesus. He has already shown me that He has my finances and so now, I will declare these words afresh whenever my heart starts to doubt this journey I am on. I am so thankful that Jesus knows what I need even before I know it and sets me up for success.

Immediately after this we had devotions together and it was all about giving Jesus the things we are uncertain about, the things we want to keep hidden, the things that hurt or cause disappointment. I was able to give the fear and doubt to Him knowing that He is far bigger than any of it.

Then, as if that wasn’t enough, I had the privilege of walking with a beautiful young lady (who of here from the States for a couple of weeks), and partnering with Holy Spirit to bring her into greater freedom and more of her identity. If what had gone before had not given me confidence to trust that Jesus has this and I just need to choose His peace, then this did!

So, I’m here in Zambia and I know what the next 5ish weeks look like a little, after that I have no idea but I choose to trust that Jesus knows exactly what it looks like.

I choose to trust that He has gone before me and prepared a way.

I choose to walk in peace and not in doubt or fear.

I choose to believe that I’m here with purpose and He will direct my steps whenever I need.

And, if I find doubts, fears or questions coming back to mind then I will declare afresh, ‘Peace be still Michelle, Jesus has got this,’ and I know that this will become my truth that I walk forward with. I chose to partner with peace because this enables me to be present and to find joy in all He is doing in and through me.

I am learning that in the unknowing He is faithful.

I am learning that in the unknowing He stretches me far beyond what I could ask or imagine.

I am learning more and more that I am wonderfully and imperfectly in process and that He is very happy with that, so I should be content with that too!

Thank you for reading. I pray you are blessed in your journey and that you know that, you are wonderfully and imperfectly in process and that your Heavenly Papa is happy with that!

As I write this, I sit waiting to hear the result of someone’s covid test and that result will determine whether my flight to Zambia goes ahead on Thursday or not. Though I do not know the answer, I know my God does, and my choice is to trust him in the unknowing and to walk in peace and not be stressed about it all.

The plan should be that tomorrow I have my Fit to Fly test, and then on Thursday I head to Heathrow to get my flight to Zambia, but a positive test means 10 days of isolating with the beautiful family that I have spent the last week with.

The truth is, I believe and hope that I will still be flying to Zambia on Thursday, BUT if I am not, then I will choose to celebrate and be thankful that I get to spend a further 10 days in this wonderful home. The girls are a pure delight and I will cherish the extra time playing games and watching movies and trusting that God has purpose in it all.

How we respond when things don’t go as we expect, especially the big things, says a lot about how we perceive God. I am on a journey to trust Him with the detail, even when the detail appears to be different to what I thought. The bible tells us in Proverbs 16:9 that man plus his course but God determines his steps and I believe this. I have done my best over recent months to plan as I have felt led by God, now I just have to trust that He is determining my steps to work for my good, however those steps work out.

So, as I sit in the unknowing, waiting for a test result that will determine what my next 10 days looks like and whether flights and other things need to be rearranged or not, I choose to look to Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of my faith and trust that He has it all in hand.

To trust that this scenario is no surprise to Him, and that He still knows that He gets me where He wants me in Zambia.

To trust that wherever and however I spend my next 10 days, He has purpose in it all.

In what areas of unknowing do you need to look to Jesus today and trust that He knows what He is doing in what you see as uncertain?

Over recent weeks as I have chatted with people about the plans God has for me and my next step, several have spoken about how huge they think my yes to Jesus is and, in comparison, how little they think theirs is. After the first or second time of this, I found myself chatting with Jesus about it because it didn’t sit right with me. Surely our yes is our yes. What matters is whether it is wholehearted or not, or at least as wholehearted as we are able at the time of giving it to Him?

From my own experience I know that the wholeheartedness of my yes has grown over the years. When I told God he had my wholehearted yes 20 years ago, I was telling the truth with what I had at that time and, thankfully He accepted that as my wholehearted yes. 15 years ago the level of that yes had increased, and again 10 years ago, and again 5 years ago, and all of that led to me being able to give my wholehearted yes now to going to Zambia.

It’s amazing isn’t it? God knows what He has planned for us and He prepares us to be able to step fully into it and give Him our yes. Even when we are far from where we need to be He willingly accepts our yes and works with us on increasing it! I have always told Him that He has my wholehearted yes, that I would go where He asks and do what He tells me. I also know, that until this year, my yes would not have included giving up everything I own and moving to another continent without a clear plan of how it was all going to turn out! But the truth is, He has worked with me and enabled my yes to get bigger and more wholehearted as we have done the journey together.

So where is your yes at? Your yes is your response for your life and it will be very different to mine. The only similarity should be that our yes is as wholehearted as we can make it. Your wholehearted yes may never lead you to Africa but it will lead you into living the abundant life that Jesus came to give you and who does not want that?

So, if you find yourself looking at my yes, or anyone else’s, and thinking how big theirs is compared to yours, can I encourage you to run to Jesus and ask Him if you have given Him your wholehearted yes? I promise you, if you give Jesus your wholehearted yes, He will take you on the adventure of a lifetime that is perfect for you. It won’t look like mine because you are not me, but it will make your heart soar and your faith rise.

I’m so thankful that I do not have to be Charlotte Gambill, Jen Johnson, Heidi Baker or my friends; Amy, Lauren or Esther, though I love them all and am blown away by the awesome ways that God uses each of them. I just get to be me, Michelle, the best version of my I can be today.

What would it look like for you to be the best version of you today? It all starts with your wholehearted yes.

Thanks for reading.

Adventures with Jesus! Happy heart! Blessed indeed!

Nearly 5 years ago, during my first year at BSSM in Redding, California, God asked me, “Who will go for My lost sons? Who will go for ISIS? Who will go for the human traffickers?” Without much hesitation I said, “Me”, and then He asked, “What will you do when they put a gun to your head?”

To be honest, this question threw me a little, it wasn’t what I was expecting and I had to sit and think about what I would do, as it wasn’t something I had ever considered before! After a while of considering this I knew what I would say. I would say, “You can pull the trigger and I forgive you and Jesus will never stop pursuing you because He loves you.”

That seemed to be the end of the conversation and so, after journaling a little, I got on with life. I didn’t feel like God was asking me to go to the Middle East, though I did tell Him I was willing to go if He asked.

Fast forward 4 years to April 2020 and the first lockdown in the UK and God brings up the Middle East again. He starts talking me to me about Syria and little by little, begins to break my heart for the Syrian people and their plight. Again, I say I will go and He begins to talk to me about my next steps.

During these conversations He reminded me of when He had asked me about the gun being put to my head, and I felt like He asked me if I was prepared to face that. Now, because of when He had asked me previously, I felt like I could answer this with no hesitation. Yes, I was ready to face a gun being put to my head, I would probably be scared but I knew exactly what I would say and if they pulled the trigger, I would be in heaven with Jesus. This didn’t seem like too hard a choice really.

Now, I’m not saying that this is going to happen, but the truth is that where I may end up can be a dangerous place in which to be a follower of Jesus, and I can’t truly count the cost if I haven’t truly recognised what the cost may be.

Shortly after this, someone sent me a link to a documentary about the church in Iran. It was so encouraging but also raised some new questions. Suddenly death seemed like the easy option, it was what might come before it that was the issues. Would I really be prepared to be persecuted for Jesus? To be beaten and tortured for Him and stay faithful?

This, in all honesty, was a bit of a tussle. I wanted to say yes but I didn’t know if that would be true. After all, I have never faced persecution or torture, and it is very different considering it from a place of safety in the UK to actually being faced with it.

As I chatted with Jesus about this, He reminded me of when Stephen saw the heavens open and Jesus stood at the right hand of the Father. He then said that His plans would not lead me where His grace could not sustain me and that, like Stephen, He would keep me in perfect peace. These two things gave me the confidence to say yes, I could face anything if He would sustain and uphold me with His grace and peace.

As time has gone on since this conversation I have had my doubts. Will I really stay loyal to Jesus and not recant if I face persecution and torture? As I have already said, it feels like an easy thing to say yes to in the safety of the UK.

So recently, I was chatting with Jesus about my doubts as to whether I would truly stay faithful whatever I faced and that, I did not want to let Him down or disown Him. Having never faced torture, I truly cannot say without a doubt what I will do if that is in my future. What He said next blew me away!

“I trust you Michelle.”

How amazing is that? The King of the heavens, the Creator of all things, Yahweh, trusts me! I heard Him and I cried. In fact, when I think about how much He trusts me, I still cry. It is almost unbelievable that the Author of life itself would trust me to stay faithful to Him whatever I face. All I can do in response is to keep my eyes fixed on Him as I continue this journey and trust that what He has said is the truth!

The truth is that He trusts all of us more than we could imagine. How crazy is that! Being outside of time and knowing the end from the beginning, He knows every decision and choice we will ever make, both good and not so good, but His declaration is still that He trusts us.

So knowing this, I choose to walk the journey laid out before me trusting that He is right when He says that He will keep me in perfect peace, and that His plans will not take me where His grace cannot sustain me. Hand in hand with Jesus I can, and will, face whatever this adventure brings because He is the One who is able to keep me in every circumstance.

Adventures with Jesus! Happy heart! Blessed indeed!

It’s been a while since I have written regularly, but with all that God is saying and doing in my life, it feels like a great time to pick it up again. I hope you are encouraged by what you read.

Over the last couple of years God has been speaking to me about moving. Over the last year this became about leaving the UK and going to the place He is calling me to. In the first instance this is Africa, and I will be going to Zambia on 1st July. After that, my heart is to end up in the Middle East, but how I get there, God only knows, literally!

As I approached it being 8 weeks until I leave, a week or so ago, I found myself feeling a little overwhelmed at the vastness of it all. In fact, I felt very overwhelmed by the size of what I am doing, and so I reached out to some good friends for prayer. I’m thankful to say that even in feeling overwhelmed, my sense of knowing that God is faithful and that He would work this all out never failed. That is His kindness!

His goodness was even more evident though when He began to talk to me about what I was doing and asked me to count the cost. At first, I found this hard because the things we were talking about didn’t feel like big things to give up. I wasn’t concerned with giving up my job, my house or my possessions. God has had me give up all these things before in different seasons, and I have learnt to hold on lightly to things because I recognise the I am only a temporary custodian of them. This is another aspect of His kindness, He prepares us for the things He asks of us.

Then the penny dropped and I realised what the cost was for me. What it was that I was truly giving up to go on this adventure with Him, and it was people! Those who know me, know that I am very intentional in my relationships and I love loving and encouraging people, it is such a big part of who I am. In leaving, it suddenly felt like I would be losing so much, the relationships I treasure would never be the same. I wouldn’t be able to pick up the phone and go for a walk or a coffee with a friend a short time later. My diary would not be full of dates with the wonderful people I do life with. This is the riches of my life, the amazing folk I get to call family and friends, and this to me, is the cost of going.

In His kindness, this realisation, though overwhelming, was His provision for me. It enables me to truly consider what my yes costs me and, in so doing, be able to grieve for the things that will change that matter to me.

So that’s where I find myself, in a season of saying goodbye and grieving for the things that will not remain the same. It means that I feel emotional and am often close to crying, especially when I am with those who mean the most to me. This is healthy though. It is healthy to grieve what we lose, it is a natural process in life. Again, the kindness of God is the He has taught me so much about grief through the death of my husband almost 8 years ago.

In the sadness there are reasons to celebrate and be thankful:

I have great friendships, that I will be sad to see change

The friendships will not die, they will continue, they will just look different

God is preparing me for my new season and I will not land in Africa and then have to grieve all that I have left behind

God is always good!

There are many more reasons to be thankful and celebrate but I will leave it there.

So, I look forward to the next 6 weeks now of walking the journey before I leave the UK. I look forward to the laughter and I look forward to the tears, for it all plays an important part in preparing me for what comes next.

I also look forward to the new relationships that He is going to open up for me, the new wonderful people who are going to become family and friends to me, because with God there is always more!

Recently I got to speak at church on kindness, now when I got the date my plan was to talk about how we could show God’s kindness in the world but that was before Covid-19.  So after spending some time with God I chose to speak about the kindness of God to us in these times.  I hope you enjoy reading.

The Passion Translation, Isaiah 43:18-21:

“Stop dwelling on the past.  Don’t even remember these former things.  I am doing something brand new, something unheard of.  Even now it sprouts and grows and matures.  Don’t you perceive it?  I will make a way in the wilderness and open up flowing streams in the desert.  Wild beasts, jackals, and owls will glorify me. For I supply streams of water in the desert and rivers in the wilderness to satisfy the thirst of my people, my chosen ones, so that you, whom I have shaped and formed for myself, will proclaim my praise.”

I believe that God is using these very unusual circumstances that we find ourselves in to do something brand new, something unheard of and because we can trust him, we know he will work this situation for good for us who love him (Romans 8:28).  

However, I also believe that we have a part to play in this, God wants us to partner with him in this season to prepare for the next.  This is his kindness to us, that he would discipline us, that he would guide us, that he would lead us, that we would be ready for what comes next.

For some of us discipline sounds like an awfully bad word.  I know it used to for me but it just means that God is shaping us to look more like Jesus, getting rid of some of those sharp edges we have which cause us to respond in not so good ways.  The best thing about being disciplined by God is it means you are his child!  

In Hebrews 12 it says: Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?  If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.

Now, please hear me right, I am not saying that Coronavirus is God’s discipline.  I’m going to say that again, Coronavirus is not God’s discipline but I am saying that he is using this season to bring discipline to us because he loves us and he wants us to grow up into maturity, to be huios, a son or daughter who looks like their father.  Now, who does not want to look like Jesus and therefore, our heavenly Father!  

So, I believe God wants to challenge us on letting go of the former things, the things that are past because they hinder us as we look to go forward.  Now not all these things are bad but what was beautiful in a previous season can be an obstacle in another and God wants us free from all hindrance to pursue him and his purposes, to see his kingdom fully come on earth.

I think it is his kindness that he does this when most of us have far more time on our hands and can take time to come before him and spend time seeking him and allowing him to show us the painful things in us, the things that will be a hindrance where we are going, the thoughts, attitudes and behaviours that do not become us as the children of God.  

Now, I am still working but even so, I have a lot more time than I did before this season because outside of work my diary is uncommonly empty, so I believe this is something God wants to speak to all of us.

The first question is:

What are you allowing from your past experience to hinder your today?  

As Graham Cooke says, God calls us to be present future, not past present.  The truth is that the past is history, the future is a mystery and the present is a gift and God wants us all to be able to live fully in the present, not hindered by our past and not afraid of the future.  So, I feel like God is saying this is a season where we can bring the things from our past that still hinder us for his supernatural healing because he wants to bring us truth for the lies that we carry.  It is time to bring those things that still bring pain into the light so that healing can come and the burden can be released.  

From my own experience I can testify that it is always better on the other side of letting go of pain and the past.  God is faithful to his promise and will restore the years the locust has eaten but you have to trust him enough to let him in and say yes.  The time of walking in pain is over and this precious time we are in is a safe place for you to say yes to your heavenly Father and trust that he knows you are ready to step into all the healing he has for you.  

If you feel Holy Spirit highlighting things to you as you read then I ask that you pray something like this now:

‘Holy Spirit, I say yes to the journey.  I say yes to the healing.  I ask that you help me to walk this path with you and to come out the other side victoriously.  I no longer want to be bound by my past but want to live in complete freedom in my present!  Holy Spirit, I give you permission to work with me however you need to.  Help me to partner with you.  Thank you Holy Spirit that I can trust you to answer this prayer, Amen.’

I bless you with an ear to hear Holy Spirit as you walk out this journey with him and to know his peace in every step.  

I believe the next question God would ask us is:

What are you feeding yourself that hinders your growth?

We are all works in progress and thankfully, God loves the process because that is where we meet with him, see him and become more like him.  We all know that we become like what we spend most of our time looking at, so what are you looking at?  What are you allowing into your spirit on a daily basis?  I believe God is giving us this season so that we can look at our daily habits and work with him to gain some good disciplines that bring us more and more into his presence to look more and more like Jesus.  This is a season where we can grow in self-control, a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22) as we partner with him and follow his lead.  Growing in self-control is not meant to be a trial but a joy!

Are you willing to ask Holy Spirit about the things you are feeding yourself with and whether they are good for you or not, whether they are for this season or not?  If you are then please pray something like this:

‘Holy Spirit, you know how I spend my time when no one else is watching, you know the things that I feed my spirit with, please show me now if there are things that I need to stop feeding myself with.  I want to be completely satisfied in Christ alone and I invite you to work with me to make this a reality!  Amen.’

I bless you to find your satisfaction in Jesus, to have a fresh hunger for his word and to grow in your love of worshipping him.  I bless you to do everything you do to the glory of God.

The last question I feel God has for us is:

What aspects of your busy life from before this season were merely busyness and not things God had called you to do?

I know that I can get very busy and when I do I tend to stop allowing God to interrupt me in the moment because I feel I have too much to get done. God then always asks me about my priorities, that is, what I am doing that he has asked me to and what I’m doing because I feel I should.  His priority for me is always to love him first, loving others and then to be about bringing his kingdom to earth, anything that does not align with this is my agenda, my busyness!  

So busyness does not necessarily mean we are about God’s work, in fact it can get in the way of doing God’s work.  God wants us to be free to stop in the moment and be obedient to bless the one in front of us when he asks us to, that is, to bring the kingdom of God into the situation we find ourselves in.  Busyness means we are often too rushed to stop as we already have too much to do.  This is not God’s way!  Not that life can’t be full, I think it is meant to be but, if there is no room for God to interrupt then something is wrong.

I believe in this season that God wants to realign what we are doing with what he has called us to do and this will mean laying some things down.  If your hands are already full then you will not be able to pick up the new things he has for you.  I believe with all my heart that as we come out of this season into the new that we have never seen before, that there is lots of new for all of us to pick up, but if we have not allowed him to show us what we are to lay down from the last season, we will miss it because our hands are too full.  I don’t want that and I believe that you don’t either!

Now, if you are willing, and I pray you are, please pray to allow God to rearrange your priorities and show you what needs laying down in this season.

‘Holy Spirit, we give you permission to rearrange our priorities, that our priorities would be completely aligned to the priorities of heaven.  Please show us the things we need to lay down, the things that have become busyness to us.  We want to be prepared and ready for all that you have for us in this new season.  Holy Spirit, have your way in us.  Amen!’

I bless you to be confident in what you hear from Holy Spirit and to be brave and courageous in being obedient to what you hear.  I bless you to have excitement and great expectancy for all God wants to bring to you in this new season.

Now to close, this is what I think the new is all about!  I believe in this new he is bringing us back to the basics, that is, to love the Lord our God with all our hearts, minds and strength and to love our neighbours as ourselves,  to bring God’s kingdom to earth and to make disciples of every nation.  I think in our busyness we have lost the simplicity of what we are called to, to be disciples who make disciples!  

Being a disciple and making disciples is a lifestyle and not a programme and it is this that God wants to prepare us for in this season, a new way of living, of sharing life, of being the church in every area of influence we have.  How amazing is that!  God in his kindness wants to prepare us, wants to get rid of the things that hinder us and allow us the privilege of partnering with him to bring about the original mission, to make disciples of every nation.

I bless you to go and spend time with Holy Spirit, to allow him to speak his wisdom, his guidance, his discipline into your hearts and to be willing to step into the new that he has for you, laying down all that would hinder this new season.  Be blessed!